Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
