Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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