I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
