I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
