there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
