I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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