the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
