those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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