I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
