just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
vagina is talking i cant
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
