omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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