My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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