I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
