it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
