I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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