ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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