so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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