I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
