all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
