i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
