Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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