So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
