he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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