Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
