I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
