I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
