I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize