My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize