My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just google imaged poop.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
