her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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