I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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