How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
