Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
