phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
