and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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