I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
