I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize