you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
