I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
