Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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