his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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