My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
