This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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