I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
