New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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