If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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