I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
