hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
