Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
