I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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