Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
