I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
