Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
