my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
