Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize