There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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