RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
