I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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