Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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